There is twice in my life that I have prayed to God for death. I know that we are supposed to cherish life and I do, but there is a point that the question becomes what is life. I also however have learned that I don’t have it in me to be God and instead rely on Him to be merciful.
The first time I remember praying for death was when my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 / 4 esophageal cancer. She had contracted pneumonia and had thrown blot clots in her body. She was in surgery and my father and I were sitting on the bench outside the hospital. I sat and began to pray, but I realized that I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Certainly, it would make sense to pray for her recovery. I paused and looked to heaven. Was that indeed the best course? Should she recover to die a painful prolonged death? I prayed to God for Him to do what was best even if that brought sadness to those of us left behind. I asked him to keep her from suffering as much as possible. She did come out of that surgery, and unfortunately went through many more surgeries before dying a few months later.
The first time I remember praying for death was when my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 / 4 esophageal cancer. She had contracted pneumonia and had thrown blot clots in her body. She was in surgery and my father and I were sitting on the bench outside the hospital. I sat and began to pray, but I realized that I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Certainly, it would make sense to pray for her recovery. I paused and looked to heaven. Was that indeed the best course? Should she recover to die a painful prolonged death? I prayed to God for Him to do what was best even if that brought sadness to those of us left behind. I asked him to keep her from suffering as much as possible. She did come out of that surgery, and unfortunately went through many more surgeries before dying a few months later.
I am faced with this same thought now, but this time for a dog. Our dear dog, James, is 12 years old and decaying practically before our eyes. We have had him to the vet several times and we are told that it is just age. He has lost much of his fur and his ribs ripple through his skin. When he was laying down the other day, I thought there was a growth coming from his side, but it turned out to be his shoulder blade. He is having accidents around the house and is taking medicine for that. A sweet nurse there keeps telling me that I’ll know when I need to take the next step, but I don’t have it in me. He is having a hard time getting up and often needs help, but he also nuzzles up to those he loves. He is eating and drinking. The term puppy eyes can even apply to geriatric cataract clouded eyes. How can I let go of this dog that has been a part of the family for so long? He would guard the kids and I when my husband traveled and curl up on my feet when I was reading. In the yard, we have never had to leash him as he always stays around. So again I find myself praying to God for mercy. The God of Life and Birth, I am calling to for mercy in death, to assuage suffering, and to call our James home. Amen
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